Music Therapy in Africa Trip, 2007

It’s always hard to think of what I could possibly say that can capture how I’m feeling and what’s going on here. When I get time to write on the blog, I usually opt not to because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I’d rather just space out and not have to think more about my day. But I also feel bad for not writing anything on here for a week or so, because I know family and friends are checking it..so, I apologize for that.

I’ve been pretty much on an emotional roller coaster the last few days. It’s weird because I know all this stuff that’s going on here is affecting me, but it comes out in weird ways. Instead of being able to identify what exactly is triggering my emotions, I just feel generally lethargic, depressed, and snappy. Then it will fade and I’ll be hyper and goofy and silly. Then I’ll be overtired and spaced out. Then I’ll just feel sad for no apparent reason and have a good cry for about 10 minutes. It’s a little crazy.

I just know that this trip has been a pivot point in my life. Things can’t be the same after seeing what I’m seeing and experiencing what I’m experiencing here. There’s no way I can go back to being naive to all of the suffering that these kids go through.

It is so obvious that we are here for a reason, and everything about this trip has fallen into place better than I could have ever thought. For example:

Yesterday Amanda and Karen were on national Kenyan TV talking about music therapy and what we’re doing here to 6 million viewers. That’s not something we could have ever planned for or expected.

On Saturday, we are performing in a concert with Eric Wainaina, who is a Berklee grad and is HUGE in Kenya. He writes songs about touchy political subjects, and is an activist. He is letting us use his professional recording studio this weekend to record the songs we’ve written on this trip. Speaking of the songs we’ve written, they have also been an example of things just working and being in the flow. Everything about this trip is just working out so great.

I miss all of you reading this. I can’t wait until you can all see the DVD we’re going to be making about this trip. We’ve had Njeru, a professional videographer, with us this whole time, and he’s gotten some amazing footage. I think when you all see what has been going on here, you will really begin to understand that which cannot be expressed in words.

…..realizing that we will never be the same. The truth in our face. The call loud and clear. I listened to a sermon by Dr. Creflo Dollar and he said, “The only way that some people will get blessed is through YOU…” Through me. Through us. Our privilege is not for us to run around talking about how privileged we are, but to use it to bless others. To build others up. To bring hope. There is a great work to be done in Kenya and beyond. “Think BIG, but start small”…the Holy Spirit whispers into my soul. As huge as this journey in Kenya seemed, I realize that this is just the beginning… the small part… planning theses trips, raising awareness, benefit concerts, fundraisers. Whatever it takes. I can not turn my back. Its not about saving the world. Its about doing my part. So I continue to pray and seek my creator. I call him God. As a car can’t turn around and tell Henry Ford that it doesn’t want to be a car anymore, I can’t tell God that I don’t want to be his vessel. He knows what he created me for. So I just seek his face regarding this matter. It makes absolutely no sense as to why we turn the corner into this small town, over populated, poor, dirt roads, small children walking the streets alone… into an orphanage that houses 230+ children who used to live on the streets. Who experienced pain and suffering that you couldn’t even imagine. I don’t know their stories. But their eyes say much…. Yet they sing with such joy and hope.

They dance with such pride! In the music therapy major, we learn about clinical music. Here, we see no separation from clinical use of music and music as a whole. Here, music is therapy. When a van full of boys who were taking in from the streets can come up to us and greet us with songs about Jesus and dance with us in the parking lot… I say it goes without saying, and music therapy is happening without credentials. It is sooo amazing to see all that I’ve learned in undergrad, happening without any effort on my part. You just have to go with it….

Wow, so much has happened and I haven’t even had a chance to get onto the internet and update since friday. These past few days we went to a safari and it was like nothing I have ever seen before. Our drivers were so cool and friendly and we learned so much from them especially with the array of questions miriam was always coming up with. It felt so strange to be staying in such a nice place and wishing I could just get back to the orphanges and see the kids. It was so fun but I am just totally ready to get back to playing music and running around with the kids at shangali tomorrow.

Saturday and Sunday we spent with the kids at nyumbani. I barley made it down the driveway when we arrived and I felt someone holding my hand. I looked down to see who it was and a young boy was smiling and pulling me along to the playground. The children performed for us singing, dancing, and two of the older boys rapped in swahili. For the majority of both days I was so busy running around playing, singing and playing guitar with the kids, or just talking with them, that the thought of how they are all living with HIV would not cross my mind. But holding a child in my arms, a beautiful, laughing, smiling little girl, and knowing that not only was she abandonded or lost her parents, but she is also HIV positive; that she is sick and her body is fighting itself is something I have never experienced before and struggle to describe in words. my eyes well up with tears which I fight back while bouncing her up and down, spinning her around and tickling her belly. But it consumes me, I wonder what will become of her after we leave and I hate myself because I will walk away, and they won’t. They will continue living and fighting everyday.

I almost cried on Sunday when we were say goodbye. I was saying bye to a young boy who I had been running around with for most of the day (who always wanted to have a turn struming the guitar while I fingured chords, but prefered to take the whole guitar pretending to play doing the “rock star” pose) and I told him I would see him next Saturday. He said, “you’re coming back next saturday?” and I said “of course”. He then said, “will you be coming back every saturday”. I immediately got chocked up and had to explain that we would only be back next week and then we would have to say goodbye. Seeing him go from being so excited at the idea of someone coming back to visit again, and then the disapointment of hearing we would eventually not be coming back crushed me. I know I will be back here again soon, and next time it will be for more then two weeks, maybe an internship?

Hello Everyone!
Thank you so much for your e-mails and love and support!! The internet is not very consistent here and it has been expensive and difficult to get on. We just got back from the safari. It was quite a difference from what we were used to here in Nairobi. At first it felt weird because it was a resort like hotel in the middle of untouched habitat. It seemed surreal, especially after being in the orphanages. Going on the game drives was my favorite part, by far. I sat on top of the car and let the wind blow through me, hugging the world. We saw elephants VERY close, cheetahs, lions, (simba) zebra, giraffe, wildebeests, monkeys, and lots more. The sunsets were incredible and it was so quiet! I found myself feeling homesick for all of you and all of the kids here. We went to the Maasi villages and sang with the children and danced with them. I didn’t feel right taking pictures in a culture so sacred, it seemed disconnected. A little girl came and sat in my lap and made me feel at ease. Children have a way of doing that.

The past few days we have experienced the bartering part of the culture. The markets we went to were overwhelming at times, with men surrounding us trying to sell us all kinds of things. Soon we realized that it is part of the culture and once I was able to laugh about it instead of feel upset we were able to get some good deals and have fun. Sometimes I wish that we could stop looking at the goods and look at each others faces. I was able to talk with some of the artists and that made the experience much more whole and enjoyable.

We went to Nyumbani on Saturday and Sunday and got to connect with the kids through music. It was really amazing to see. We brought out all the guitars and cameras and let them have fun. They knew more about my camera than I did. As we settled in, I witnessed music therapy in all its glory. I’ve never seen so many different ways to use music for healing at one place and time. Little kids were singing silly learning songs, while others were rapping or dancing to beat tracks. Some were writing songs, and some were learning to play guitar. One of the older boys wrote a rap part to “We Are One” and an older girl learned to play the chords, and we are going to record it in the next couple of days. It was such a powerful bonding experience, and it happened so naturally. It was wonderful being able to say that we’ll see them soon and see their faces light up. It’s going to be so difficult to say goodbye. Don’t be surprised to have some new additions to the family.

This weekend was when we really got to settle in at Nyumbani. The kids are such lights. They have so much to teach us about lifted spirits and faith. They sing God’s praises with no shoes and no parents and a disease they didn’t ask for. But what I am realizing is that we don’t need to feel guilty about our “privilege” because we can’t see the whole picture, and where we have material goods they have joy in their hearts. We don’t know why things happen the way they do. We can only trust that they happen for a great plan and do our best to contribute to love, kindness and healing. And music does it so effectively. I am seeing now more than ever why I chose the field I did, or rather, why God chose it for me. I think this trip is expanding much more than we had imagined.

I love you all so much and will do my best to keep you up on the new precious moments.

These past few days in Amboseli National Park will forever remain engraved in my memory. Yes, we saw lions and elephants, gazelles and cheetah. But, besides the animal part, it was the ancient feeling one gets looking up as Mount Kilimanjaro as she shows herself to the sky. Have you ever seen Fantasia, the scene were they match music to the beginning of the world? There is red lava flowing all over the place, and bubbles of fire bursting into the air. I have never felt this close to the earth before. Amboseli reminds me of the beginning of time. The wildebeests gallop freely, and there is honestly less human presence than I’ve ever seen. Yes, I’ve hiked in the “back country” of the Canadian Rockies, and been to a National Park in Montana. But this is different. Animals roam like they would have…before we existed. Everything is quiet. I heard the elephants munching their green lunch, while the breeze softly whistled by. It was easy to feel holistic and meditative. The earth as it should be….the earth as it wanted to be.

And then….we drove back into Nairobi. The smells of diesel…the dust lifting off of the ground, the children bathing in the dirty water puddles that lay in between pockets of construction. Shacks with men selling freshly slaughtered meat. The headaches that came in between potholes on the road. It’s so interesting how Amboseli and Nairobi are only about 2 hours away and yet they juxtapose one another with such determination. The conditions were harder to face coming back. I never forgot about the children at the orphanages, but the images of poverty were sort of buried behind the grasslands and the watering holes. I kept thinking about Grace’s smile and playing the clapping game called “Numbers” with Cynthia….but for some reason, I must have been in more denial about the conditions than I thought. I look forward to greeting the children tomorrow. It has been refreshing to share these tangles in the mind.

Thanks to all of you who are reading our blog - we feel that we are taking you with us on this powerful experience.

Watching the students at Nyumbani on Sunday was like watching a music therapy laboratory in action where each student brought their own music, style and gifts to the children. As a teacher, it was quite reinforcing to see that what we teach and how the students were able to integrate that knowledge and transfer it to foreign settings worked. The songs that were written, the children’s smiles and joys at being listened to and heard were met with dignity and respect. I am confident that these music therapy students will continue to do well wherever they go.

A day later, we were on the way to Amboseli National Park to go on an African Safari - everywhere you look there are zebras, elephants and other animals you’d never find on Massachusetts Avenue in Boston. I feel so lucky to be able experience this abundance and beauty - it balances the work in the orphanages and we are able to experience the immense beauty of Africa - the sun continues to shine brightly on us. We are so lucky.

I have been having a hard time coming up with words to describe what I’ve been experiencing. Saturday and Sunday were spent at Nyumbani. It is an incredibly beautiful place and the work being done there is unparalleled. It’s clear that they have a great deal more monetary support than Shangilia, but because of this, the kids are able to be on ARV medication and have access to health related things that are essential to battle their disease. It’s funny, the first day that we were there, it didn’t even cross my mind that all of the children have HIV, I was just so happy to see them and to be back there. I made a lot of new friends quickly and met up with some old friends from last January. (Nanay, Jane is doing wonderfully… she sang me a beautiful song she wrote, and she says she misses you)

The second day, Sunday, was a really hard day for me. I’m not sure why exactly, perhaps it was partly because it was Samite’s last day, perhaps I was letting my awareness open more to the realities of these children, but despite what it was exactly, there were several times in which I was really just holding myself together moment by moment.

We played “We Are One” for the kids and sang it a few times through , and strangely, it was only until the third time we were singing it through that I almost lost control of my emotions and started crying. I held it together though and was able to get through the song, but now, sitting here writing this, I can’t quite put my finger on what I was feeling…. it was overwhelming. I think that part of it must have been the feeling of real unity with everyone. As corny as our song is, it really embodies so much about what we are doing, where we are, the experience of being with the children, the great lessons we are learning and the real power that music holds. After that moment, i had to step back a little and allow myself some time to regroup so that I could be 100% present with the kids for the rest of the day. We continued to sing, write songs, play guitar, hear the songs the kids had written and dance. I know that all of us at one point or another have these really intense moments where everything we’re experiencing and witnessing just seems to HIT you, and you have to examine it or else the process will not move forward…. but we’re always moving forward…

These days have been utterly exhausting… emotionally more than physically. I think it’s because we are all leaving ourselves so vulnerable and open to accepting things which are normally very far from our every day experiences, such as children dying, poverty in such expansive numbers, children who have been abused, abandoned, neglected, as well as our own privilege. How can we not examine these things? We have to be open to let these things in, and I feel that all of us are… These children did not ask to have this illness or to have parents who abandonded them– the same way we didn’t ask to be born in the US to parents who would be able to support us growing up. What if I had been born in Africa? Or born onto the streets of Manila? We ARE all one. We ARE all connected. The lives of everyone that we meet are lives that could have been ours. It’s a strange world we live in.

Yesterday, we arrived in Amboselli, to take a break and go on Safari. The scenery is breathtaking , Mt. Kilimanjaro, who showed herself to us today is so majestic and mysterious. The animals are phenomenal, and the beauty of everything is almost overwhelming at times. It’s hard to be away from the kids though, and I miss them terribly. I can’t wait until Thursday when we can go back and be with them. (How am I EVER going to leave?) Something exciting though is that we are going to record “We Are One” with the kids singing and maybe a few other songs that we have written— get them involved. It’s so exciting and I can’t wait to do it. All the kids at Nyumbani are so excited and know all the words already and are so thrilled about the idea of recording with us! I can’t wait to play the songs for everyone back home!

Anyway, it has been a mini-adventure each day. Our group is so connected now, and we are all so close. We’re really leaning on one another for support throughout all this, but hearing that friends back home are keeping up with us is so meaningful too! I love you all!!!

The titles of my blog entires reflect the feelings, emotions, and other elemets of the human soul that I am reminded of on the day I am writing. Some of these reminders are necessary because some I feel I lose sight of certain values I hold dear during my daily grind of work, school, and city living. Today we went back to Nyumbani and spent the afternoon there and I just felt overwhelmed by the children’s modesty and purity. They love to play with you and you can really feel so spread thin sometimes, and they all seem to want your attention at once and you wish that you could give it to them all, all the time, but then you are reminded that you are one person and you can’t, and its humbling. The children performed for us again and it was so beautiful. It is a performance situation you do not find often at Berklee; a performace in which the artists are not doing it for show, but because it comes from so deep down inside them and transcends them to such a beautiful place away from pain and where for those moments, nothing negative can touch them, it can’t get it. They are too filled with love, laughter, and pure music.

Music is my life and I am realizing it more and more when every day I am inspired by it, and inspired and drivento create more of it, becasue unlike many things in this world, there are a few things that there could be more of and one of them is definitely music.

I wish I could just send for my son and stay in Kenya for a few months. I am truly inspired to travel more, read more and teach myself and my son about our African roots as well as our African American roots. There is so much rich history in my culture and I scraped the surfaces of this vast knowledge, but now I am inspired to learn more! It was funny today because the children at Nyumbani didn’t believe that I was a black American because they say I look Kenyan. This actually made me feel good, as Kenyans are very proud of their heritage.
It was yet another exciting day… We went to the Massai market and I was able to get some really nice jewelry and gifts for my friends and family back home. Then we went to have lunch and sent Samite off with kind words that we wrote in a card and a song medley that we created in honor of him. He is leaving us today. So we sing for him at the restaurant. It was really touching! Our hearts and souls went into writing the songs and I know that he felt and greatly appreciated it. Although I was sad to see him go, I am excited because I know that this is just the beginning of much work that we will all do together over the years. It is truly a blessing to have met him and to have the opportunity to work with him and share in his vision.
After lunch we headed to Nyumbani and had an awesome time singing and playing with the kids. There is one little boy that his mere presence just blesses my heart! He is really sweet and though he doesn’t seem to smile much, it is nice that God has given me a light that makes him smile. And working with some of the teenage girls was really nice! We wrote a song together and I left them with a CD of instrumentals so that they could work on songs that they already wrote. I can’t wait to go back next week to hear what they’ve created. There are also two young boys who rap and they were excited to get a CD of music that they could rap to! They are really good too! 50 and Jay-Z better watch out. They rap in Swahili!
I am soooo inspired! There is such a great work to do. My vision and purpose has been seeming vague lately. But the space in my heart for it and my ambition to accomplish this purpose is very large. Being here is making the bigger picture come into a clearer focus and it doesn’t look like anything that I imagined in the past. Surrendering to God’s will and purpose for my life is going to be easier after this trip…….
We are going to safari tomorrow! I am excited and scared! I run from flies and mosquitos! What does this city girl know about hippos and buffalo and baboons and chimpanzees?

God Bless!!!

My experience at Nyumbani Orphanage today felt surreal, although clearly it was real. Here I was on the porch outside with Beth, one of the students on the trip, and four teenagers, Grace, Laura, Madeline and Molly. This was probably the closest encounter I have had with music therapy while in Kenya. Beth and I wrote a song with these young women called “Mother Nature”. It took us but about 30 minutes. The girls are so talented. I don’t even know how to tell you the emotions that flowed through as their faces lit up each time we completed a performance for their friends. I wanted to cry tears of joy because these girls have experienced so much pain but the fact that they still feel happiness is so unbelievable. I never thought that such connections could even be made earlier in the day. Here I was, my short little self going up to four very tall girls, and quite intimidating they were! They sort of whispered at each other when I came to greet them, and they laughed, and one of them even told me that her name was something else at first. It was just, ahhh…to see the transformation we went through, how songwriting brought the girls closer to Beth and me. By the time we had to say goodbye, it was very hard. I only wish we would visit this orphanage more, but we are only here for one more week. Thank you to everyone who has allowed me to be able to experience these few hours at Nyumbani today. I can’t even imagine having missed out on this trip. When I return, I am worried that it will be difficult to keep these moments real…that this reality which seems surreal, will fade into something that never ever seemed like reality and that was always surreal.