Music Therapy in Africa Trip, 2007

Being back is very strange… I think all of us are feeing a disconnect from our surroundings, trying to process what we experienced and handle the how much we are missing the kids.

What an amazing experience… This trip surpassed all of our expectations, and I think our lives have all been changed forever.

To everyone who has been keeping up with us and has been so supportive throughout this whole experience, we will be working on a report to send you, as well as the music that we recorded with the kids.

I miss Benjamin horribly… I can’t stop seeing his sweet little face… and I’ve been reading all the letters that I got from the girls at Shangilia over and over… now that we’ve had the experience, we have to move forward and continue to DO and make our experience into a continuing process…. we can’t stop here, and we won’t…

So, I just woke up from about 22 hours of very restless sleep. When I got home yesterday evening, I had a 101.4 fever with chills, nausea, headache, the whole shebang. I think it was a combination of major jet lag, and emotional and physical exhaustion.

I’m feeling somewhat better now, and I’m excited to go over to Karen’s tonight to chat with everyone and just see the group again. It’s weird having been around everyone pretty much 24 hours a day for the past 2 weeks, and now just not being around them.

It’s nice to be home, and it’s both comforting and strange how quickly I can fall back into comfortable routines.

Right now it’s 4pm here, so it’s 11pm in Nairobi. The kids at Nyumbani and Shangalia are probably sleeping, and they’ll wake up tomorrow and have another day. I can’t begin to explain how much I will miss them all. But such is life, and life goes on. I just feel blessed to have been able to share the time I did with the kids.

The seeds have been planted…the connections have been made…the music has been recorded and the extensive video footage documents both the process and the product. But now what? The trip was so short and condensed - can we put this in a bottle and take it home with us? Not really.

This experiential-immersion learning opportunity has complemented the academic studies and encouraged reflection - it gave the students a fresh look at themselves, their education and the world around them. What was profound for me was the student’s accelerated learning curve - in the final practicums in music therapy at Berklee, students are working in medical settings, primarily with children who are quite ill. Students learn to take musical risks, “embrace rejection” as a means to develop self awareness and the confidence to step into the unknown. Sometimes, it takes 2 semesters for the students to begin to understand the process.

For the students on this trip, it was almost immediate. They were ready and open and supported - internally and externally. Across from the PanAfric Hotel, where we are staying, there is a large building called ‘Integrity Centre’ - I think it is an office building, but it really doesn’t matter - these students are responsible, accountable and have much integrity. There has been plenty of opportunity to party and go out ‘clubbing’ but collectively they decided it would take away the focus of the work that is so important. I admire and respect each of them so much. They are leaders and will help set the agenda for music therapy in the future.

I dream of tomorrow, today…

Today was amazing, beautiful, inspiring and bittersweet. It was our last day at Nyumbani, and it was a day that I really, really saw music working it’s magic to connect.

We started the morning off by attending mass with the children at Nyumbani. Music and dance are so intertwined with their everyday lives and it was so beautiful to see the children so engaged and alive. The service was beautiful; many words about unity and connection between people of different cultures, societies, worlds. I was so moved, and felt honored to be a part of everything.

The day was so full. We stayed after the service was over, and started playing music with the kids immediately. They are always so eager to sing with us, and I know that it’s the catalyst for our connections. I ended up with a little girl named Anne, who is new at Nyumbani. She is about 3 years old and doesn’t speak, make eye contact, and generally seems pretty withdrawn. However, when I started singing with her, “I want to sing sing sing, I want to dance dance dance, I want to sing, I want to dance all day long!” and moving with her and bouncing her up and down, a bright grin spread across her face and she started giggling and laughing and making eye contact with me. Then she really started to open up and began really dancing with me… it was really moving and I really felt something click within me during that moment. I have no idea what traumatic experiences she has been through, but I was able to reach her and tap into the child within her in that moment, and it was beautiful.

Summer, Wyndy and I wrote a song a few days ago called “I Dream of Tomorrow Today”. We decided to record the kids at Nyumbani talking about their dreams and what they want to do in their futures. It’s amazing, because these children have such BIG dreams, and many would assume that since they have HIV or AIDS that they wouldn’t. It amazed and moved me that so many of the children wanted to become doctors. We’re going to put their voices into a recording of the song that we’re planning on doing when we get back to the states, and I can already feel how moving it will be.

Another thing that I was able to do today was work with Victor, who is 19 years old, and is a rapper. We worked together on Garageband and I helped him put together a beat, and we then recorded his song. It was amazing how different he was before and after the music. Before we worked together, he was withdrawn, very shy, didn’t make eye contact and would disappear often. The transformation was so drastic while the music began to unfold. He started opening up to me, joking with me, and talking about his future. He said that he does want to be a musician, but he also wants to be a doctor, because he has seen so much sickness and so many people who have not been helped. He also told me he wants to get his phD someday. I know he will if he’s given the opportunity.

What we are doing here is beyond the reaches of my mind to comprehend right now. We’re really making an impact, in a way which I didn’t think was possible. I KNOW it is because of the music we are sharing, and I KNOW that the connections that we make would not be as deep and meaningful without it. It was so difficult to leave today and to say goodbye to the children, however, I know we will all be back, and I think the children really believe that too.

What an amazing adventure this has been. Asante to everyone who has been with us every step of the way.

To restate what Beth already said, I too had a difficult time leaving the girls at Nyumbani. Although I didn’t shed many tears, my heart was crying. I have so many questions. Will I see them again? Will they be there if I do go back? Will they remember me? Will I remember them? Will they continue to write songs and perform? Will we keep in touch? It is so easy to numb the feelings of separating from a place that carries so much stimulation. In a few days I’ll be back in my apartment in the midst of Jamaica Plain, MA. How will I learn to reintegrate the daily routine with the two week experience that occurred way way way way far away? The key for me is to figure out how to keep Kenya and the children in my heart, because I don’t want these memories to ever expire. I expect that this trip has allowed new challenges to blossom, and through this, there is a much wider expansion of possibility.

Today was our last day at Nyumbani. It was so hard. I can’t really explain it right now because I am so numb and overwhelmed. Miriam and I connected with some of the teenage girls there, and we wrote a song that we recorded at a professioal studio yesterday. It was hard saying bye to them today.

I’m pretty tired right now, so there’s not much brain function happening. This entry is mainly just to say hi and that things are good, intense, hard, sad, frustrating, amazing, heartbreaking, bittersweet, happy, funny, tragic, and beautiful.

Every day becomes more and more difficult for us as the realities of what we’re doing, the span of our work and the connections we are making become clearer. These are also reasons why each day becomes better and better.

All of us have fallen in love. There is an energy with these children and a passion with which they sing and play music and LIVE that astonishes all of us, coming from the society that we do. It’s a different passion, drive, energy that none of us feel we have ever lived with, and the lessons we are learning from these children will continue to effect us.

I’m having a hard time processing. At night I just need to cry, and sometimes I do, sometimes I can’t. Wyndy keeps reminding us this is not about us, and is so much bigger than us, bigger than we can even imagine or fathom….

This has to be short, I’m having a hard time coming up with words to explain everything… I’m in love with these children, and I am dreading Tuesday.. I miss everyone at home, but leaving is so hard…. who knows when we will return..? But I know we will… I think we all do…

Friday at Shangalia was difficult for me. I cried a lot. The travel to and from the orphanage gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. When I am not with the kids I feel drained, but as soon as I see them and they jump on me and cheer until we are hugging goodbye as tightly as we can I feel good, in tune, happy to be with them.

 But when we leave I am again filled with strong emotions that shift from label to label, trying to find one that fits: sadness, anger, passion, fear, inspiration, frustration, confusion, love. It is so clear that this trip was meant to happen and it’s hard to deny the divine intervention that is taking place. I feel in line with Purpose, but when that happens there is resistance. The changes will make me deeper, more loving and giving and grateful, but also more upset and lost and wondering. I am really nervous to leave. We only have one more visit to each orphanage. I already know I will feel out of place at home, but home isn’t quite here either. I am reshaping myself and it’s going to take a while for the entire puzzle to shift enough to accomodate the changes. That puzzle is friends, family, work, school, culture. We will all probably feel some disconnect for a period. I just really don’t know how I am going to leave. It is so difficult going to the orphanages and dealing with all of the emotions I don’t want to face, but it’s even harder not being there. Now that I’ve seen it, I can’t go back to old ways. This time when we go home, we won’t be going back, we’ll be going forward.

The connections we are making with these children do not stop here. There are so many ways we can be plugged in from the U.S.: Gifts, letters, pictures, music, supplies, awareness, funraisers. Friday, a talented young dancer, Freshia, told me she had a present for me and came running out with a letter in hand that she had written to me. It was one of the most honest, love and true letters I have ever received. These children are so quick to accept, pray for and open their hearts to people they know very little of, or don’t even know at all. They are so careful and respectful. For example, they love to wear our rings and pass around watches, but even when they borrow something as small as a hair tie, they are sure to return it before we leave. They understand that family is so much greater than blood relations. They have an awareness and a sensitivity for one another and for us that I have never seen before. They are my family and I love them with all of my heart.

What has happened with in the group is also very special. We are all in this together and we really know how to be there for one another. When I am upset it doesn’t go unnoticed and soon there will be someone holding my hand, stroking my hair or listening to me. What we are really going to need from our friends and family when we get back is grace and an open ear. The support we have received has kept us afloat so that we can continue to be carried by the currents that Spirit creates. Thank you for helping us learn when to let go and when to swim.

I’m at the point where I dont know what to say. I start to write and then erase because it is not coming out the way i want it to, but perhaps that is because there are no words to describe what we are going through here. Just like the pictures I took on safari at Amboseli do not do the land, the Masai, the animals, or Mt Kilimanjaro and justice, the way in which i want to describe my recent experiences with the children can not be put into words, at least not right now. Perhaps after I get home and reflect and reflect and reflect some more.

Today started off wonderfully with a walk in Nairobi’s beautiful arboretum. It was very peaceful there and for that peace I am grateful. We then went to Shangilia, this is our third visit, and it was amazing. I played the guitar, we recorded in the studio there, and we played and sang with the children, which is always the best. Also, Eric Wainaina, a Berklee grad and famous musician in Kenya joined us to record and perform for the children, who were in awe that a Kenyan superstar was in their presence.

Tomorrow we are recording early in Eric’s studio and then performing as a group at the Splash festival in a park in Nairobi. About 2,000-3,000 people will be there and I can not wait. It will be very exciting. So, I am going to get some rest before a long day tomorrow and I will write more when I find the words.