The tears finally came and now they might not stop

June 7, 2007 at 2:49 pm (Spencer, Trip 2007)

Maybe I am just following in suit behind Beth who made a similar post yesterday, but when I woke up this morning I decided to finally check the blog for the first time in a while.

Of course my mum has been checking it every day and telling me about all the posts, so I was prepared for what I was reading and seeing, but the video brought me back in ways I didn’t realize it would. I immediately broke down in tears for the first time since I have been back. My feeling have also been cut off and pushed away not wanting to deal with the depression and disconnect that we all were told to be prepared for.

My days at home have been filled with seeing old friends and new, catching up on the latest in my hometown, commuting to Boston as much as possible to keep busy and get away from my thoughts.

As I sit here with the utube video on repeat and the sound of the kids singing from my computer I feel as though I was just there yesterday, picking up Joseph and giving him my hat to wear all day, arm wrestling and playing “thumb war”, getting chased and tackled by five kids at once who are all yelling “Rooney” at me, trying to learn lyrics in Swahili from Charles. God I miss Charles so much, so so much, I miss all the kids so much. I’m not even in the video that was recorded because I was hiding in a back classroom with Joseph and John letting them take turns strumming the guitar while I made up songs and they sang along. My heart feels pain that I am not there, and that there is not more I can do at this time for the kids I fell in love with, all of the kids.

I miss the quiet kids, the ones that didn’t run up and grab your hands, or start singing really loudly the moment you taught them a new song, the kids that needed so much work just to get them to crack a smile, the kids you just wanted to hold all fucking day long and never let go of and tell them you would take care of them forever but you couldn’t.

I miss everyone that I traveled with and saw everyday for two weeks, I miss njeru and don. I miss my roomie Amanda (come back to us!), and as the thoughts and fears of being really done with Berklee start to settle in I realize that people like my roomie won’t be in Boston next year, and I have no idea where I’m going to be.

Even as I sit here and write I feel my guard start to go up, something in me that keeps me from letting me feel it all. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk to people about what my experience was like, in order for someone to get a true answer out of me, I would have to open my heart and let them look inside, I would have to break down in tears and tell them what every little step of the way felt like, I would have to explain exactly what it was like to walk away from the orphanage at the end of the day, get into a van, and try not to scream and punch the chair in front of me for the whole car ride back to our hotel, chocking back tears and thinking about the kids.

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